Category Archives: True Folktales

An Important Service Announcement From Uncle Bob

“Only after weeks had passed did I begin to think that I had, rather absent-mindedly, passed through what mystics call “the dark night of the soul” or “crossing the abyss.”

Whatever one calls it, I reached a depth of despair and deliberately decided to love the world instead of pitying myself; and, afterwards, I was no longer afraid of anything.”

  • Robert Anton Wilson, Cosmic Trigger.

Slackmas

Why is Boxing Day called that? Is it after some obscure tradition where we donned boxing gloves and had at our neighbours (under the Queensberry Rules of course)?

Well I’m renaming it Slackmas, after the fact that I have to do feck all today, except work out which leftovers to fed the family, load the dishwasher (and to be fair that could become a new tradition of “Dad doesn’t load the dishwasher today, who can I trick into doing it?”), drink more booze, and decide which Action Movie to watch to give me the illusion of physical exercise.

So happy Slackmas yah little tiddlers.

All hail BOB!

 

 

Aliens is the best CHRISTMAS FILM EVAR!!!

Aliens is the classic Christmas Film, not Die Hard as some people have erroneously

Hidden in the subliminal Occult Layer (only properly exposed in the 5:1 surround sound Blu-ray release) of the film, it’s a modern critique of the futility of the Christian Christmas (as symbolically represented by the Marines – each of whom are an analogy of the different sects of that religion) faced with the merciless onslaught of Consumerism (the Aliens) and need to return to ancient pre-flood Midwinter celebrations (where it was Pyramids not Trees that were erected OUTSIDE the house for obvious reasons) via the vector of BIG FUCKING GUNS! 😛

Why people carve pumpkins

Well back in 1079, there was this visitor to the little village of Leeds called Jack Pumpkin Head. No one knew where he come from, but there he was one day, demanding a fresh loaf of bread and a brace of Bury Black puddings a day from poor idiotic folk of those parts. If he failed to get this humble fare, he would take himself down the pub and with burning eyes and gnashing teeth kill any Norman ee did find there supping Titleys Ale.

King William was right alarmed and ordered the Scouring of the North to kill the Orange Headed one. But all the fire and slaughter inflicted by robber Norman Knights failed to kill old Jack, so King William was forced to leave his comfy seat down south in the Tower of London meet the oranged headed fiend in single combat. Lo on Ilkey Moor the two heroes met, and after a bloody combat, with much leaping about as to make John Woo most proud, King William did chop of Jack’s Pumpkin Head clean off.

Because he was right cross about having to come up from his comfy seat down south to the cold rainy Noff, he picked up Jack’s head and carved the words “Fuck off, ye be dead, I hate Titleys” on the soft squidgy orange head. Then he stormed off back down south, were the weather was nicer, where they had lovely sweet wine and big fook off castles to keep Saxons out!

The people never forgot King William’s victory over demon Pumpkin Headed Jack and if they were rich , or had a Morrisons nearby, would annually buy a pumpkin to carve into the visage of the terrible Jack with his burning eyes and gnashing teeth in the hope that Jack would come back to earth and deal with the Normans, now called Tories. (well you did ask  🙂 )

Newport Family Shrine to Jack Pumpkinhead 2015
Newport Family Shrine to Jack Pumpkinhead 2015